The Internet Made Me a Nihilist. Then I Woke Up.
Disclaimer: This writing piece contains political commentary, educational discussion, and opinions protected under fair use and freedom of expression. It does not promote violence or hate.
Link to video version can be found here.
Hello everyone,
This is going to be a little different than normal. It’s a complete change of pace for me, in fact. Unless you follow me more closely or in person, you may not know that politics, especially what has been happening in the United States currently, has had me extremely concerned. So, this is not only a call to action, to you, the viewers that have been following along, but to myself, to use my platform as education and resistance. I believe that if we do not come together quickly, we may lose our collective voices completely. This might feel uncomfortable and painful. The everyday comforts of privilege are hard to let go of. Discomfort is the start of growth.
As Kwame Nkrumah has said:
“Freedom is not a commodity which is ‘given’ to the enslaved upon demand. It is a precious reward, the shining trophy of struggle and sacrifice.”
In efforts to express myself and disseminate useful information (like protest materials, for example), my posts and stories posted on a platform by Meta see a viewership decline in the thousands immediately. I noticed this back in 2020, when I was living in Los Angeles and attempting to post about the Black Lives Matter protests. I was trying to tell everyone how the LAPD were tear gassing and shooting rubber bullets at completely innocent and peacefully protesting people. I witnessed these things with my own eyes; this is my lived experience. You might remember how Trump said, in reaction, “when the looting starts, the shooting starts”? I remember how, for weeks, the helicopters roamed the skyline, their deafening roar a reminder of the current panopticon we find ourselves living in and how the ruling class will do anything to keep us, the people, from uniting under a shared cause.
I’ve been online forever. Growing up, it was the biggest source of freedom of expression for me. My nerdy interests that got me shunned at school were accepted in small online communities. In fact, in times when I often lacked a real, concrete community, I found it easily online, and it was life changing. I don’t think I would be who I am today, and for that I am endlessly grateful for the journey that coming of age during the inception of these apps that now rule our life has given me. That doesn’t change the fact that I also now believe that they are not being used to their capabilities, and in fact, are deterring us in so many ways. Especially at the hands of the most powerful, who own all the media outlets and social media platforms and use them in furtherance of their selfish agendas.
Brain rot is fun – my internet footprint is plain to see and dates back to the early 2000s. I can’t deny that I have participated in it and encouraged it. But how many scrolls is it going to take to satiate us? When you put the phone down, do you feel satisfied? I didn’t. Never once. I don’t. The internet has made us all nihilists: keeping us afraid and feeling powerless. I became a self proclaimed nihilist at the ripe age of 17, when I first started my Bachelor’s degree program. Now, 26, and in need of putting this Masters degree to good use, I thought: what better way than through my original loves, literature, film, and finding community? I moved out of New York City in 2016 – during Trump’s first run. Pursuing my dreams and passions–albeit a bit naively–I moved to my home away from home in Seoul and got a Bachelor’s degree in Comparative Literature and Culture at Yonsei University. Though I was happy, my studies began to radicalise me. Growing up in NYC, some would already call me radical–I attended a performing arts school after all. Most, if not all of my friends would consider themselves to be queer. Race was always seen and respected–I’m shocked that some Europeans tell me they didn’t know it was bad to say the N-word until they were older. In New York, you just know. And if you don’t, someone will make you aware. At Yonsei, I began to delve deep into literature and film that would finally shake me and make me start thinking about things other than K-Pop and my parents divorce. Other than myself. The Trump administrations’ attacks on students and Universities is very purposeful. They know that educated people question authority and policy. Thankfully, I was lucky that some of my favourite Professors, who taught us about counter culture in times of censorship, began to show me the importance of having my own backbone and caring about things deeply. Being sensitive was always my superpower, but I became unafraid of expressing it. A person who began an entertainment career at 6 years old like me, you see, no longer has the energy to care about what other people might say or think. I’d like to believe there’s more for me to do than to please others' expectations. So, I chose to please mine, first and foremost. Reading Satanic literature influenced me deeply here–and before you gasp in horror, just know it’s not what you’re imagining.
My fierce self expression and independence is what I attribute my ability to amass a platform to above all else, and for that I am grateful. It’s the reason I now feel called to a responsibility to act, use my voice, and find community again. For almost a decade now, while doomscrolling alone in bed, I’ve watched everything get worse in 4k through the all new super retina XDR screen. We are bombarded with content from all sides: an absolutely disturbing video of the genocide in Gaza will be followed by snack-fluencers trying to freeze wax candy to get the most satisfying crunch which is followed by a red-pilled manosphere “chad” listing reasons why they’re better the younger you get them. You like it? You want more? Perfect; it's endless. Come and have a scroll. How many hours a day do you spend on your phone? It’s a lot for me. I started to think that believing that nothing matters and there was nothing little old me could do to change anything was ruining my own reality. How could I complain about what I was observing, when I sat there, watching it happen, hating myself and life? Wishing I had never been born into these predicaments? But I learned that there were actually things I could do to reclaim my power. Though small, these things matter. It started with questioning the world and gaining knowledge through reading; then talking to friends and family about lived experiences; then joining online communities and attending protests. Change happens at the grassroots level. Isolating myself was not the answer.
Naturally, the sort of content I started to post shifted from its previous tone. I started to have a voice, to have passion, to demand more of life. People didn’t like it, and still don’t. And sure, I fall victim to imposter syndrome. I do not have a background in history or politics. I am very aware of how under qualified I am to speak about this. But that is the whole point. I am coming to you, out of necessity, to see if you share the same desires as me. I have a desire to learn, and a passion to bring about change. I am a z-illennial who remembers a time before social media was everything. Before what you had and who you could be was all we aspired to. I lived in Hollywood in 2019/2020 and was amongst many of the most fortunate. Those born with a silver spoon in their mouths. They had everything – big empty houses and all the psychedelics they could hoard. They lazed all day, forced restaurant workers making minimum wage to stay open late so they could binge, and filled their houses with libations and the freshest gaggle of new young influencers on the scene. Don’t you see, it’s not just Diddy. It’s not Epstein. Well, yes it is them. But it’s actually money. It’s capitalism. It’s patriarchy. All of these things protect those with the most capital and their possessions and keep the oppressed, oppressed. The legal system and the cops are simply enforcers of this system. It was never about protecting and empowering the people.
I’m sure you can see it happening now: due process being revoked; legal residents being deported and it being reported as an oopsie; Bondi recommending the Feds seek the death penalty for Luigi before an indictment has even been filed. Project 2025 was a declaration of war. We aren’t on the brink of oligarchy and fascism. We are currently in it. I need everyone to listen carefully to that. All of our rights are at stake. It does not affect you now, but it will. No matter what political ideology you label yourself as, everything is under attack. I believe in the rights laid out in the Constitution. The rights to freedom of speech, press, and religion. I believe in due process. And though I have always been staunchly for gun reform, I do believe that it is imperative we educate ourselves on arms and the use of them, should we be in contact with them. Can I read you a quote? It’s by Abraham Lincoln. These are his words, not mine. I am obligated to say that I am recommending this for the purposes of education. I found it in the Anarchist Cookbook, which is my recommended reading for the week, as I believe it is important to cultivate civic awareness and educate ourselves on self defence. I cannot link it, but there are countless free PDF copies online, should you go looking. It reads:
“This country, with its institutions, belongs to the people who inhabit it. Whether they shall grow weary of the existing government, they can exercise their constitutional right of amending it, or their revolutionary right to dismember or overthrow it.”
Remember that revolution is intellectual. It is cultural. And it is collective. Knowledge is power, and your voice has value. So, on that note: I am coming to you today to ask if you will join me in this pursuit of knowledge. Knowledge is powerful during times like these. Though my platforms have admittedly, and very purposefully, not been a safe space for men, especially cis-gender white men who weaponise their privilege and self-harm by indoctrinating themselves with patriarchal ideas, perhaps you have potential to listen and learn. If you have come for this purpose, I welcome you. Perhaps you, too, are scared and tired of not being enough in this life. Perhaps you, too, are willing to take the burden off of your shoulders, and embrace community over capital. To embrace empathy and compassion, over individualism and power. I know many young women, queer people, and people of color who want to speak up and are passionate but are scared. I want to amplify you. I want you to feel confidence. I will protect, defend, and fight for you. We, the people, are the powerful ones. Especially when we come together. I want to help you, us, find that power. I want to use my platform here to disseminate information I deem potentially useful during these times, and to open up a space in which you guys can interject and share your own experiences. I want to read you passages and show you diagrams. I want to talk through the news, no matter how stupid I sound or how much I want to crawl in a hole and die over it. Will you support me? Will you do something, other than doom scroll, with me?
"You like it? You want more? Perfect; it's endless. Come and have a scroll. How many hours a day do you spend on your phone? It’s a lot for me. I started to think that believing that nothing matters and there was nothing little old me could do to change anything was ruining my own reality. How could I complain about what I was observing, when I sat there, watching it happen, hating myself and life? Wishing I had never been born into these predicaments? But I learned that there were actually things I could do to reclaim my power. Though small, these things matter." - Absolute chills. So powerfully written. Everything I feel every day finally vocalized clearly and powerfully.
As a fellow new yorker, born and raised, this resonated heavily with me. incredibly well written. It's so important to remember that we are here, we are alive, and we are not just some cogs in a machine. We are active participants in life. Throughout all the pain, struggle and turmoil, we consistently come together, throughout history, to overcome injustice. It is our responsibility to continue that fight, and we must not allow ourselves to stop short at posting on social media. We must continue to recognize our own power as individuals. We have the gift of being aware and expanding our awareness unfolds the mysteries of our existence and inevitably brings us to the warm embrace of Love that binds all of us. It is always with us. Revolution is intellectual and inherently cultural, and above all else, it is spiritual. Thank you for a great read!!